Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
