In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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