Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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