Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
