Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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