dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
