Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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