The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You made out with two different species that night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
