just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
