please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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