I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
