mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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