I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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