how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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