I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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