GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
