i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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