A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Farmville is her only friend.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize