My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
