Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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