i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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