Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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