I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
