the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
