You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
