Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
