Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
