Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
