And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
