there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
