If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
