Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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