FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
