He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
