apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
