remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's blow job season.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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