It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im holly from the hills drunk
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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