Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
