I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
