we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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