turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
