I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
