textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
