I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's the barista slut.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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