saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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