The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
