The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
