I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
