he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize