And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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