Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
