So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
