last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
