all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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