When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
