Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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