oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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